You Can Be Motivated and Ambitious and STILL Have Days Like This.
I am a doer. I love a list. I love to check it off. I love to have a plan. I love to go to bed at night feeling accomplished. I like things in order. I like to work. I like structure.
All of the above is good but for much of my life I was OBSESSED with doing, striving and #smashing goals. I chased them HARD. But what I chased more was the affirmation and validation I would get from someone on the outside. I wanted to be reaffirmed that what I was doing was "on point" and "noticed."
I missed out a lot on the present because all I could focus on was what was ahead and the gas that fueled that fire was hearing validation. It was a never ending cycle.
Exercise goals, financial goals, life goals, career goals...I HAD THEM ALL. And I still do but the pace in which I am set at to get there is much slower and a little more flexible and I am accepting that it is OKAY. Thank you, therapy.
Working with my "life helper" aka therapist has helped me get to a place where I can live and thrive not simply survive. Where I can live with freedom in my heart and mind. Where I don't have to plow through, do it faster than them, or show up for everyone just to get a hit of that affirmation drug that I so desperately needed for so many years. THANK YOU GOD FOR SENDING ME MY THERAPIST. Yes, I just shouted that. She is a gift.
But here we are, in what feels like the never ending season. Most of us have now had the kids home for 2 months. We have tried our best at homeschooling, we have tried to create a new "routine", we have tried to find some bit of "normalcy" but to be honest it feels like a marathon you didn't train for, with no end in sight.
I spent the last few days wandering. No clear direction. Just moving through the day. I would start one thing, then stop and start something else. My attention had the span of 2 seconds. Every time I would sit down to write or work, I quickly got side tracked. All of a sudden the baseboards looked dusty and I would start that and then as I opened the pantry the next thing I knew I was cutting the tops off of the chip bags and lining the up in order. What in the actual? Yes, I had major squirrel syndrome and it is showing up a little more than ever before. You too?
And this week I started to slip back into the need to be seen and the need to keep going hard. I wanted a hit of that affirmation drug that my heart used to thrive on. You know "the love, the comments, the good stuff" from all the people. You have been there too, right? I have yet to meet someone that doesn't love validation from humans.
I went back to my therapy tool box and reminded myself of these things:
You can be motivated and ambitious and still move forward at a slower pace.
You can still have goal but become flexible in how you accomplish it.
You can rest.
You can work really hard some days and be lost other days and neither add more to your worth on earth or take away your worth on earth.
You can work silently without anyone knowing. You can still show up for the people or community that needs you even if your head and heart feel a little cloudy.
And lastly I reminded myself that the quickest way to remain stuck in these thoughts is to compare myself and where I am in my life with someone else. Often we really are just comparing what we "see" and what you see is never the full picture.
So today, if you have wandered and you are sitting in your head and it feels cloudy...I will remind you of this:
You are not alone.
You are still here for GREAT purpose.
God didn't forget about you, He is still working and in fact.
His greatest work will always be in the mundane and slow and stagnant seasons.
I believe He grows us the most when we feel like nothing is happening. So, let Him work and you keep those feet and eyes forward today.
Well, that goes for me too.
Here's to today, sweet one. We get another day.
Starting Each Day With Gratitude
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