Where my people pleasers at??
Hi, my name is Andrea and I am a recovering people pleaser.
There. I said it.
Yep, I was addicted to pleasing all the people. I am slowly in recovery mode and let me tell you...it’s NOT easy!
I fall into my old ways still but I am working on it...and I feel free and it’s part of the path I am walking and following.
I can clearly remember being a young girl and....
Inviting everyone and their Mamas to my birthday parties. I never wanted to hurt feelings. I wanted everyone to feel included. I feared eating lunch alone and being THAT girl.
Onto the high school years we go and...
I was so afraid of having no friends so I made sure to overly please everyone in order to earn their love and friendship. I gave in to peer pressure, easily. I was always the first to volunteer my house for sleep-overs and my car for late night runs to wherever.
Then early 20’s...barely out of college...
Alllllll the freaking debt, a house we couldn’t afford on a stupid bad loan (we were dumb), leased cars, lots of crap, ya get me?
Clearly, we didn’t have the money but I would go out of my way, drive across town, make special trips and spend money I didn’t have in order to win the love of a friend.
Then married, a couple of kids...
I was the Mom who said “YES” to it all...you want 2 dozen homemade cupcakes?!
"Sure!!! No problem!”
Except for the little 2:30am alarm clock that rang so loudly.
“You need me to watch your kids tonight?!, YES, girl, happy to!”
Except, I was not happy to. I was dying inside. I was saying yes to all of the things and screaming NOOOOOOOOO silently inside.
I love people.
I really do. I just didn’t know how to love people and say NO.
No sounds so harsh, so negative, soooooo not me.
We tell kids...
“No, don’t touch this" or "No, don’t do that!”
from the time they are babies...it is not the most positive word...in my mind.
I have told myself this story now for over 20 years...if I say NO, they won’t like me. LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE, SISTER! It is a lie, bold face lie.
📔 3 years ago, I read the book, ‘Best Yes’ by Lysa Terkeurst and it set a new course for me.
Like “VIVA LAS VEGAS” blaring lights sign!!!
This is the quote in the book that has been in my mind since then…
✨”Do not confuse the command to love with the disease to please”✨
It was like she wrote this for ME. Finally the damn light bulb finally turned on...something inside that book dusted off the ol’ cobweb in my stubborn brain and it clicked.
Now, did I start screaming “HELL NO!” to everyone’s face...well, duh, no.
However, I started implementing a rule to myself.
If I get an invite, a text, an offer, I wait to answer.
I address it immediately and tell them I will get back to them tomorrow.
Would I want to do this task today if I had to?
If it is a NO, then that is your answer. This is not selfish, this is to ensure that they get the BEST YOU and you give them the BEST YOU.
Guess what?! It works.
Well....most often it does.
Now, I still fall into the guilt trap. I fall into my mind and wondering what they think when I say NO. However, I feel too good when my plate is only full of things I genuinely said YES to instead of a guilt loaded plate.
It’s like a Thanksgiving meal that never digests. It feels icky.
You will have to wear stretch pants and you will need a nap everyday. It is no way to live. I did it and barely hung on.
It will take practice, tools and effort in assessing what is for you and who is for you.
I want you to get there. I know you will. We have big hearts and we love really hard but there is a middle gear and it is a great place to live. Let's keep working on that.